Saturday, December 16

The Eye of the Storm

My husband has picked up smoking and drinking. I grew up in a pretty conservative environment so it feels like it is getting out of hand to me, while others who grew up more liberally may disagree. I don't think I believe in "Social" drinking or smoking, but that is what he chalks it all up to be. When I protest he tells me I just need to leave him alone and let him make his own decisions, let him live his own life, I think maybe he is right, my Mother doesn't, my Father does. Then I think, we are married what one does affects the other, and I hate where he is going with all this, it makes me feel so low, like what I think and how I feel doesn't matter to him. I hear him coughing in his sleep like his lungs are going to come flying out in a tarry bloody mess. I could like kissing him more when he smokes, and whenever he smokes I always get mad and we fight, I say the solution is he quit smoking he says the solution is me letting it go and not getting mad, I just don't know how to do that. I worry where it will lead, if it ever gets out of control, which he says I need to trust him and know that wont happen, even though he smokes and drinks three times more that he used to not to mention I find it difficult to trust someone about an addictive substance. Then I worry he is already addicted, and that is when I just want to yell at him and tell him to quit and when he refuses, I threaten to leave him and take his daughter and whole life away, even though that isn't what I want, not even close. I love him and want to be with him that is why I married him and have a family with him, saying that is a last shot in the dark, a manipulation, my solution to a problem with not apparent solution. I have tried it several times and it still isn't working, each time I vow to him and to myself I will never say that to him again, it is so awful to see his heart broken horrified face, that kind of threat is almost worse than his smoking, so I have sunk even lower than him. I know when I am sound of mind I would never even think that let alone yell it and threaten him with it, but I get in these moments and I have such a bad temper, all I want is for him to hear me, because I feel he doesn't, so I lash out and say things I don't mean, saying anything in desperation. Sometimes I really do feel like taking a break, letting him be on his own and making his own decisions like he so desperately wants, I am just scared he will like it, and realize he is happier without me, but I don't because I am selfish, and I would rather him be miserable with me, then me be miserable without him. I don't want our children exposed to this world, growing up in an L.D.S. environment made me bitter towards them, but now I find myself wishing for the security of their values wishing he still had their standards, I wasn't even Mormon and I have them, I will probably never drink again after this, I would so rather be healthy, I stopped because I was pregnant and now that I am nursing I wont because I wont poison my daughter, but is poisoning myself any better, do I have any more of an excuse because it is only my body I am hurting, really it it any different, if my aim is to not hurt my child, I shouldn't hurt myself because hurting myself is hurting her. I find myself being sad more often than I used to I find myself wanting to cry more often, because...I don't reach him anymore, as hard as that is to admit, my words fall on deaf ears and I don't know where it all went wrong. I feel so lost, I pray that it's the military, the military that has hardened my beautiful wonderful husband, made him need to run away through substance, but part of me is so terrified that it will all continue even after we have left this terrible place, and I will be trapped in a room with no doors, no windows and no one who hears me, at least no one who matters, who else can possibly matter but my family, and he is my whole family, my whole life, him and my daughter (but she smiles and laughs no matter what I say, the glory of being only 3 months old). If he doesn't hear me it doesn't matter if the entire world can, he is all that matters, and that is why I hate it in the first place, because I don't want to hear him coughing, I don't want to hear him struggle to breath, and I don't want to be one more wife who is widowed by lung cancer. If I could only make him see that in one light I want him to stop for my own selfish reasons, but in truth it is for him, him and our family who needs him, and needs him to be healthy. I send out this prayer, I have asked for many things and always vow I will never ask a single thing of God again if he just hold my hand though what ever it is I need guidance for what ever I need accomplished, but hear I am again, I know you will never turn your back on me, and so I pray hold my hand once more and lead me through this storm.

Wednesday, December 6

Car Seat Demon

The car seat turns my child into a demon. She wont take a binky or a bottle, she needs to be in the car seat so obviously I cannot pick her up, so there is nothing to do but sit and listen to her extremely loud protesting to being in the car seat. I feel it is my own fault, I keep feeling like I have spoiled her (even though I hate that word) but then I think maybe she is just backwards, she enjoys getting her diaper changed, that is her favorite time of day. If she is crying, even from being in the car seat, she will immediately shut up start to smile and laugh. I don't get it, every baby I can ever remember has always fallen asleep in the car and cried while getting their diaper changed, I am confused and there is nothing I can do to end the car seat chaos.

Saturday, December 2

New Friend

Nate took the car for the weekend. We only have one, and for the most part it works. Everyone in his section has exactly the same schedule so it makes car pooling very easy, so he can leave the car with me most of the time. Usually he calls whom ever he is going to ride with the night before and asks if they will pick him up on thier way, well Thursday he forgot to do that. We got lost in the crappy oatmeal cookies I made and "Who's Line is it Anyways" by the time it occured to him to call someone, it was to late. So the very worst duty period, which we call his long weekend he takes the car, bummer for me. I remembered a friends little sister was in town and I figured she was alone and called her up to see if she wanted some company, she did, so seeing that it was a nice day I packed up the baby's bag and put her in her Zolo sling and we took a nice little walk over to the Duckworth's, trouble is when it came time to go home it was far to late to walk and I had no car seat so they couldn't drive me home, so I stayed the night, my first sleepover in years, so I made a new friend and had a sleepover, I felt like I was 10 again, 10 with a baby.

Thursday, November 30

My body knows best

I had my baby at home, there are few things in life I feel stronger about, than: Family, Home birth, and breastfeeding. I was almost unable to have my baby at home, but in the last trimester, the home stretch, a lucky twist of fate made it possible. Nathan was scared, his reservations and fears where the same as every one's, everyone who hasn't been educated in the facts about home birth compared to hospital birth. He was worried about the cord getting wrapped around the baby's neck, which has an incredibly simple solution... Unwrap it! He worried about complications that would necessitate a Cesarean, but I assured him that very rarely does a uncomplicated healthy pregnancy and healthy baby need to come to cesarean. Even if a cesarean did become necessary it would most likely be because of failure to progress, and if that is the aren't progressing, there isn't any rush. Sanitation is much less an issue in the home and infections rate soar high in hospitals compared to the home, so do fetal death rates. "A six-year study done by the Texas Department of Health for the years 1983-1989 revealed that the infant mortality rate for non-nurse midwives attending homebirths was 1.9 per 1,000 compared with the doctors' rate of 5.7 per 1,000."
[Janet Tipton (Editor), Is Homebirth for You? 6 Myths About Childbirth Exposed. Big Sandy, TX: Friends of Homebirth, 1990. {} The study cited in this quote is: Berstein & Bryant, Texas Lay Midwifery Program, Six Year Report, 1983-1989. Appendix VIIIf. Austin, TX: Texas Department of Health.] Breastfeeding has a higher success rate in the home as well, the mother is encouraged to put her baby to her breast within seconds after birth, my baby went straight to the breast. I was also concerned with things like I.V.'s, they are essential in some situations, but I knew that if I were allowed juices and even things to eat my energy levels would be fine enough not to need and I.V. I also didn't want to be strapped down with fetal and contraction monitors, I wanted the freedom to get up and walk, or get in the tub, flip over onto my hands and knees if I felt the need, no matter where I was in labor. I didn't want my baby to be whisked away, or handled roughly. I didn't want to feel as if I was on someone else's territory I didn't want to be talked down to, or be cared for by people who where complete strangers to me, I wanted someone I had gotten to know to be present and supportive and know when to back off and when to give me a hand, not tell me what to do and when to push and how long to push and if that push wasn't good enough or to push harder, MY BODY KNOWS WHAT IT IS DOING! I didn't want to succumb to an epidural and now looking back I know I would have, if I had been given the option I know exactly when I would have asked for it, and destroyed all my dreams of having a natural childbirth. Your mind is a very fluid place and incredibly susceptible to suggestion when your are in the hard stages of labor, pain relief is the one thing occupying your mind and how much longer it is going to take and how you just need a break, suggesting to someone to take all the pain away at that point in labor or at any point is very appealing. I remember telling myself "never again, next time I will get an epidural" my mind was a thing not to be trusted then, pain takes over. I wanted to be in my home. I can't even poop at someone Else's house, how cold I expect to be able to push out a huge baby for an audience in an unfamiliar theater? I wanted to be the one calling the shots, I wanted my body to do the work, I knew that birth works, and I wanted it to take as long as it safely needed to take to get the job done. I didn't want to be on some doctors schedule and have to perform within a certain amount of time, my labor lasted 18 hours and that is exactly how long my body and my child needed. Rushing something like birth is ridiculous. When she came she was beautiful and so alert, and I had the strongest sense of pride, and I gained a new trust, I learned to better trust my body, and as a result to better trust myself, it all gave me such a great sense of self worth. I would never and will never do it any other way.

Wednesday, November 29

Lost in the smoke

I talked to my mom today...of course. I seek her council often, she always makes me feel better, whatever is going on in my life. She gave me her views on a dilemma I have been dealing with, and we came to the same conclusion on how to deal with it. My Dad overheard a little of our conversation and called me after to give me his take. He approached is from a completely different angle than my Mother had, yet strangely enough, he and I also came to the same solution as my Mother and I had, we just got there on a different path. I thought, I am faced with the same ending solution but different ways to get there; which one is better? Is there a better? Maybe one of them is wrong, but then they would both be wrong. What if one of their paths is wrong, if I choose that way will it change the result, and wind up being wrong too? I know my destination, and a few ways to get there, but not knowing which way to go is like having no direction at all. It all made me need a nap, it was so confusing. I made tapioca and peanut butter cookies instead. Then Nate decided he wanted a nap, and the baby wanted one too, so I threw in the towel and we all laid down. I laid on my side so I could nurse Clara, but baby doesn't only make three, it also makes way to crowded on a queen size bed, so none of us could sleep. I gave up and put her in her crib. She went to sleep. Now I am back living my life through a screen again, waiting for my life to wake up. Maybe I should call my Mom.

Tuesday, November 28

My resolution

It's hard to be alone. Albeit, I am not always alone, in truth nowadays I am never alone, but my daughter isn't much of a conversationalist. Like before she was born, I find myself watching a lot of T.V. , what's different is, now I am holding her instead of a big belly and the remote. This is where a family comes in handy, not to mention to have someone else to take her so I can do the laundry that is in one continuing pile that travels completely around my bed. (I did manage to do my dishes and floors today, while she was sleeping) It may seem that I am single but I'm not, my husband is just in the military and is at the base more than he is at home, and military = being away from home = no family or friends = alone with baby and the remote. I have a dog, she was my company before the baby, but she wasn't much for conversation either. I talk to my Mom as much as possible but you can only call someone so many times a day before everyone, including yourself, starts to think your a little desperate and pathetic. I call my husband at work more than I should too. It seems sometimes I live my life through a phone or some kind of screen. And then people wonder why I never put my child down, she may not talk but any company is good company at this point and I would rather hold her then lay her down when I have nothing to do. (lately that isn't the case though since cleaning is so out of hand) I try to stay afloat by making friends but they keep moving away, I wish I had an endless source of funds so I could fly home and see my family whenever I want, but I guess if I had endless funds we wouldn't be in the military in the first place and my loneliness would be solved.