Saturday, December 16

The Eye of the Storm

My husband has picked up smoking and drinking. I grew up in a pretty conservative environment so it feels like it is getting out of hand to me, while others who grew up more liberally may disagree. I don't think I believe in "Social" drinking or smoking, but that is what he chalks it all up to be. When I protest he tells me I just need to leave him alone and let him make his own decisions, let him live his own life, I think maybe he is right, my Mother doesn't, my Father does. Then I think, we are married what one does affects the other, and I hate where he is going with all this, it makes me feel so low, like what I think and how I feel doesn't matter to him. I hear him coughing in his sleep like his lungs are going to come flying out in a tarry bloody mess. I could like kissing him more when he smokes, and whenever he smokes I always get mad and we fight, I say the solution is he quit smoking he says the solution is me letting it go and not getting mad, I just don't know how to do that. I worry where it will lead, if it ever gets out of control, which he says I need to trust him and know that wont happen, even though he smokes and drinks three times more that he used to not to mention I find it difficult to trust someone about an addictive substance. Then I worry he is already addicted, and that is when I just want to yell at him and tell him to quit and when he refuses, I threaten to leave him and take his daughter and whole life away, even though that isn't what I want, not even close. I love him and want to be with him that is why I married him and have a family with him, saying that is a last shot in the dark, a manipulation, my solution to a problem with not apparent solution. I have tried it several times and it still isn't working, each time I vow to him and to myself I will never say that to him again, it is so awful to see his heart broken horrified face, that kind of threat is almost worse than his smoking, so I have sunk even lower than him. I know when I am sound of mind I would never even think that let alone yell it and threaten him with it, but I get in these moments and I have such a bad temper, all I want is for him to hear me, because I feel he doesn't, so I lash out and say things I don't mean, saying anything in desperation. Sometimes I really do feel like taking a break, letting him be on his own and making his own decisions like he so desperately wants, I am just scared he will like it, and realize he is happier without me, but I don't because I am selfish, and I would rather him be miserable with me, then me be miserable without him. I don't want our children exposed to this world, growing up in an L.D.S. environment made me bitter towards them, but now I find myself wishing for the security of their values wishing he still had their standards, I wasn't even Mormon and I have them, I will probably never drink again after this, I would so rather be healthy, I stopped because I was pregnant and now that I am nursing I wont because I wont poison my daughter, but is poisoning myself any better, do I have any more of an excuse because it is only my body I am hurting, really it it any different, if my aim is to not hurt my child, I shouldn't hurt myself because hurting myself is hurting her. I find myself being sad more often than I used to I find myself wanting to cry more often, because...I don't reach him anymore, as hard as that is to admit, my words fall on deaf ears and I don't know where it all went wrong. I feel so lost, I pray that it's the military, the military that has hardened my beautiful wonderful husband, made him need to run away through substance, but part of me is so terrified that it will all continue even after we have left this terrible place, and I will be trapped in a room with no doors, no windows and no one who hears me, at least no one who matters, who else can possibly matter but my family, and he is my whole family, my whole life, him and my daughter (but she smiles and laughs no matter what I say, the glory of being only 3 months old). If he doesn't hear me it doesn't matter if the entire world can, he is all that matters, and that is why I hate it in the first place, because I don't want to hear him coughing, I don't want to hear him struggle to breath, and I don't want to be one more wife who is widowed by lung cancer. If I could only make him see that in one light I want him to stop for my own selfish reasons, but in truth it is for him, him and our family who needs him, and needs him to be healthy. I send out this prayer, I have asked for many things and always vow I will never ask a single thing of God again if he just hold my hand though what ever it is I need guidance for what ever I need accomplished, but hear I am again, I know you will never turn your back on me, and so I pray hold my hand once more and lead me through this storm.