Friday, December 21
I had to install a software override in my brain, that sends me an alert to eat when I feel like puking. My brains' hardware rejects the idea of food without this software. It has integrated into the system nicely and the moment I start to feel weird in the digestion area, I get an alert to snack. For the past few days I have been following the alerts and eating when I have been feeling weird, even when I have eaten very recently. I thought maybe my appetite was just increasing, but eating hasn't been fixing the funky feeling. This has both the hardware and software confused. As I was laying in bed, filing through my symptoms the word "burn" zipped past. It feels like a burning, in my stomach/chest area, a very unfamiliar feeling. This triggered a memory. My friend Cloie talked about her horrific heartburn during her pregnancy with Sophia (my God-daughter). Heartburn? Could this be heartburn? I think this may be heartburn! I have never had heartburn before, I certainly didn't get it with Claralynne. It came as quite a shock that I would be getting heartburn, when I didn't get it with Clara. Then it occurred to me. Two parts of my logic fight on a regular basis. See a large part of me, is very baffled that I am not pregnant with Clara. This is a whole different person! The other part of my logic thinks this confusion is quite funny, of course I am not pregnant with Clara! The two fight, and I get these little bits of confusion when I experience something I didn't experience in my last pregnancy. So to end a long story, I took some Rolaids and went to sleep. Now I have to reprogram my software, to alert me to eat when I feel weird, and take Rolaids if I have eaten within the last hour. It is a confusing thing. As I am sure you know by trying to read it.
Wednesday, December 19
Nathan and I both knew living in Texas made it difficult to find the Christmas spirit. We never felt that it was Christmas time at all, and would jeer at the Christmas songs playing overhead..."it isn't Christmas, turn that crap off". Maybe it was because there was no snow, maybe it was because we didn't have our families, maybe it was because we were so unhappy in Texas, maybe it was all of them. This year there is snow on the ground and we have finally reached stability that has lead to happiness in our lives here in Michigan. Yet, I have still had to redefine what the Christmas spirit means to me. I happily flip the channels in the car from Christmas song to Christmas song, I hum along with them in the grocery store. The feeling is very different from the days back in Utah though. My Christmas spirit will always be a little sad and longing. I can't feel the Christmas spirit without missing people I love that are far away. This will be the third Christmas we celebrate without our families and friends back home. Knowing what we are missing is the hardest part of all, knowing that they go on and do what they always do, even though we aren't there. They may not have us, but they have each other. This is the feeling I have come to understand is a part of my Christmas spirit for now, it isn't angry or jealous, it is just there. I am glad it is there though, glad I have so many people to love and miss, who love and miss me. I never felt sad before when Christmas time came around. That will just be a part of what Christmas means to me as long as we live this Coast Guard life, and that is ok, I would rather feel Christmas inside than feel nothing, even if it means I will be sad.
Sunday, December 16
My cousin Kateka did this same thing. But because her and her husband have no children, she did it to see if it said her husband looks more like her or her husbands sister. Hers came out with the same results. So I did it because I do have children and everyone always says how much Claralynne looks like me...well she looks like Nate too!
Then Nate and his Mom and Dad.
Then I did me and my Mom and Dad.
No Surprise there!
Then Nate and his Mom and Dad.