Friday, January 18

Differences

I can feel this little man. I am 21 weeks pregnant, I have been feeling him move since I was about 12 weeks. In the past two weeks, the difference in children has become very obvious. I don't carry him like I carried Claralynne, she took up my whole abdomen, he is sticking straight out. She would jab me, and kick hard, he taps as if his own movements are curious to him. She stayed in place (or I never noticed her move) he adjusts his body position slowly, as if he is getting comfortable, I can feel it deep in my pelvis and in my back. My state of mind is different too (that probably has little to do with the baby and more to do with me). Pregnancy was so scary for me with Clara, every aspect of it. I would spend hours and hours on the Internet obsessing over miscarriages and what causes them, along with anything else that could possibly go wrong, self diagnosing with every other issue that came up. I did learn a lot about pregnancy complications at different stages, which is very useful information given my pursuit of midwifery, yet not such great topics of research for a pregnant woman suffering severe paranoia. This time around I am calmed by my past ability to create and deliver a healthy child, and research is left to my weekly check up on his development.

Already he is such a joy. I dream about him. Newborns are a wonder of life, they are overwhelming to be in the presence of. It goes beyond innocence into holiness. It is impossible not to feel honored you are able to even look at them, let alone belong to them. Funny how in the end it works out that way, the entire pregnancy looking forward to a new baby that would belong to you and really you wind up belonging to them, mind, body, heart, and soul. I better understand now why Mother's tell you, "you don't know what it is like to be in love". To share a family and children with a man, to be in love together and together be in love with your children, that is another realm of love. I was in love with my husband before Claralynne was born, but the moment we gazed at her together, love became something I had truly never known until that moment.

Sunday, January 13

Knowing

This is my very very good friend and older sister figure, with her family. Left to right, top to bottom. Steve, Lisa, Landon (oldest), Dylan (youngest), and Maddy (middle).

Top to bottom left to right, Arthur (Nate's little brother), Seth (Nate's older brother), Nathan, Partick (Kiana's Husband), Kiana (Nate's older sister), Shari (Seth's wife), Mary (Nate's little sister), Me, Kelly (Seth and Shari's oldest), Ted (Nate's Dad) with Claralynne, and Diane (Nate's Mom) with Megan (Seth and Shari's youngest).
Left to right, Me, Nathan, Heather (my little sister), Whitney (my little brother), Nathan (My Dad), Tami (my Mom) and my Claralynne.

These people are the most important people in my world. I know what it means to miss someone, I know what it means to miss many. I have learned not to take them for granted. I have learned about myself and how much I love. I have learned I don't see the entire scope of my heart and I don't understand its capabilities or its capacity, endless is un-understandable.