I had these all the time, during the last weeks I was pregnant with Claralynne. Dreaming I took her out for a brief period, even though she wasn't quite "done", there was always the fear I wouldn't be able to get her back in, and regretting taking her out to peak. I had the same type dream last night. James was still pretty thin, not like a full term baby, his arms were sort of skinny, and he was very red. He was all wrapped in a blanket, Clara and I looked at him and touched his smooth newborn skin, then I turned him head down and put him back in through my belly somehow. It was very neat, there was a little of that underlying fear of not being able to get him back in, but not as strong a fear as in the dreams of Clara.
Also in the dream was a very annoying reoccurring event. I consistently dream I am in one of my high school classes, usually English or history. If I am in English, I have not read the literature I was assigned to read and I am so behind in the class it is unlikely I will pass. If I am in history, I will have not read the chapters in the history book for the test I am about to take, and again it is unlikely I will pass. Last night this was also apart of my baby preview dream somewhere, this time I was in English, and hadn't read the literature assigned. My old English teacher, Mrs. Roach, was going through and reviewing all the books, some I am more familiar with than others, like maybe I had read parts of them but never finished the book. Some books, all I new about them was, I should have read them. I know this did happen for real a few times in my high school English class, maybe that is where the anxiety in this dream is housed. One book I can remember avoiding was The Grapes of Wrath, I did not read more than three chapters in that book. The kicker is, there would be essays every few chapters, I remember winging more than one, amazingly I never got terrible scores. The last essay for The Grapes of Wrath, I remember very distinctly, we didn't have a very descriptive discussion as was usual, I relied very heavily on those discussion to B.S. my way through the essay. Mrs. Roach told us the general subject matter of the essay question, it was clear something pivotal had happened at the end of the book, and I didn't have a clue what it was. So there I was frantically asking all my classmates what had happened and where it was in the book, speed reading as much as possible. By some act of God, I got a perfect score on the essay I had not prepared for in any way. Thinking back on it now, I am very annoyed at myself for not reading the assigned literature, I mean how hard is it to read? I love to read, I did then. I know I was more concerned with my social and relationship status than my school work, but that fact is no less annoying. I wish I could go back, and apply myself to my studies, not worry so much about my social life, and all the extra curricular stuff, I bet I could have gotten really good grades, and I bet I wouldn't be having these terrible reoccurring dreams.
Sunday, May 4
I did not get this urge when I was pregnant with Claralynne, and it showed, my house was in constant shambles the last weeks of pregnancy and first month or so after birth. I have done so much cleaning in the last few days, and I still have a ton to get done. I have steam cleaned my carpets, relocated a whole bunch of stuff from my house to the shed, cleaned out the office completely so that it is ready for my parents, and vacuumed my entire house. I also put up curtains in my bedroom and got new curtains for the living room. I am trying to go through and replace all blankets covering windows with proper curtains, it is an expensive process.
I am getting birth things together, I ordered my birth kit, and newborn screening card. Now I am going to start getting random things together, hydrogen peroxide, a plastic mattress cover, thermometers for me and for the birth tub...lots of stuff. It is so weird that it is to this point! I am trying not to focus on any one day or time, or really any one week. I think it would be perfect if he came sometime between the week after next and his due date. I was so stressed about my parents missing Claralynne's birth, and for some reason I am not that concerned with it this time. I am just so glad they are going to be here, that I will get to see them, see them with Claralynne, wake up and have them in my home, know they are not thousands of miles away, they are just in the next room. It will be very nice.
My birthday is in two weeks, I will be 24! I keep forgetting it is coming, it is usually the biggest event of May, but it is totally trumped this year by so many things! I am celebrating my first Mother's Day this year. Technically I was a Mom last year, since I was pregnant, but I didn't really feel like a Mom yet, I didn't feel like I do now, that Mom's are such a great thing to celebrate. I appreciate my own Mother now more than ever, I feel proud to celebrate Motherhood, that we deserve a day of acknowledgment and rejoicing. Three cheers for Moms this Mother's Day!
There are just so many things to celebrate this May! There should be fireworks!