Friday, December 17

Figuring out the Feminine

I’m not sure if it is hard to be around me when I am talking/intruding on a conversation in order to coax women I don’t know into coming to my Bunco party, or if I just don’t like myself/read into people’s faces something that looks like irritation and isn’t…or is. I am perfectly aware I am loud/obnoxiously loud. I know I am abrasive/self centered (not a great combo). But I am pretty sure I am nice. I am mostly sure I smile a lot, and I am not disingenuous. I can’t figure why I think I make people feel uncomfortable/make them think I am fake. I can’t put my finger on why I am very concerned people know I really am interested in them/would like to be friendly to them for no reason than that it is nice to be nice, to feel included, and to feel thought of.

How do you convey you have no agenda? I think, for the most part, I have a difficult time with females. Men are much simpler/friendlier. There is no sense of them being threatened by you. I am still struggling with how to put my finger on what this is I have with the fairer sex, the sex that is mine, what it is that I have so much trouble with. I worry I am being inconsiderate by coming and, without introducing myself, speaking directly and abruptly but in a friendly and happy way, with completely unsuspecting women who do not have a clue who I am. Maybe the strange emotion I read on people’s faces is just utter shock. I don’t think most people are perfectly fine squeezing into an unknown group and making nice very loudly and cheerfully; even at a Christmas party that is for the group your husband works with and their families. I just don’t have a problem talking to people. I really don’t have a problem being myself. I think most people are taken back by that. And that I talk so damn fast. They are probably shocked by the initial conversation invasion, then after they have recovered from the invasion  they spend the rest of it trying to catch up to a monologue that is going 200 miles an hour that they were perfectly unprepared for and are just trying to take it all in. Probably something like you are now. Good thing I can't see your face, or I might be self conscious. I think that must be it. I should remember to speak slower, and maybe introduce myself, then pause, ask for names, and make a seriously conscious effort to stay calm and speak slowly. Don’t chew on my words; don’t try to get everything in in 7.6 seconds. It isn’t a race; adults do have a longer attention span than a three year old. I imagine this might be insulting on some level. I am just going to have to slow down, otherwise people are going to get whiplash from trying to keep up with me and my scrambled/frank/hyped up brain.

1 comment:

  1. Ah, this is my life. I talk way too much. It's taken time and I think I MIGHT be getting better at listening, but... probably not.